Stream of Consciousness

As I was trying to minimize my pasty palor this morning with a touch of Bobbi Brown, I got that dull ache beneath my right shoulder blade that occurs when I am seriously stressed. I typically get the feeling at the office when I have just been told that we promsied the client the impossible and I am responsible for executing the feat, which we actually said we would get them yesterday, so speed it up already, okay? Today just trying to put make-up on made me ache - not the ideal way to start the day.

It is the new year and with it comes resolutions - I will do X. I won't do Y. But I can't even figure out what to resolve to do or not do. Sure there are some simple things. I will take my vitamins. I will lay off the sugar. I will pay off credit cards. But when it comes to the bigger picture, I have no clue what I even want to be doing. Would a new job make me happier - likely - but would a new job in the law make me happy - only maybe.

And then the Parade of Horribles: If that is the case, have I started down the completely WRONG career path? Should I not have even ever gone to law school? But if I don't do law, what ELSE would I do? I have no marketable skills to speak of - other than general knowledge of English grammar and the occasional ability to speak without punctuating every other syllable with "like".

I've got a nice salary and good benefits, should I really be complaining? I hear my grandmother's voice echoing in my ear, "They take good care of you, now, don't they?" She who worked endless factory jobs for nothing. "Yes, Nana, they certainly do".

But in NY, envy is everywhere - fostered by fables of the fortunate. The random roommates who stumble into a rent stablized penthouse. The C-average college grad who happens into millions by turning his partying professional and becoming the hottest promoter in the city. The job that pays plenty, is fun, has great bennies and leaves plenty of room for a life.

How much energy can I spend agonizing over what I don't have? Well, a lot. But how much energy should I spend? Enough that to recognize what it is I want, but not so much that I don't have the energy to go after it.

Can I get a massage to go with that Redbull?